I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
