my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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