Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
