Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You're a waste of cheezeits
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
