my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
