Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
