Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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