I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
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Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
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we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
third nipple confirmed
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.