1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I will be naked everywhere
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
