When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
