I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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