end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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