After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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