well I can't set my house on fire every night
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
