So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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