there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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