cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
