They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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