Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
