dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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