are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
