all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
