Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
