Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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