I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
