1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You took a bar mat shot.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
