people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
