sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
