I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We left an ass print on the piano.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize