it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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