It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
