So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
