does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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