ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
