my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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