I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
