thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He better not be in your backpack
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
