i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
