I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
