It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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