You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
