Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
