guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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