he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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