When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
