So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
