Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
This beer is not sobering me up at all
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
