Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
