Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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