did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
