I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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