Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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