I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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