dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
