Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Randomize
