I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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