whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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