Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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