No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize