So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
