i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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