I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
