he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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