I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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