Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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