New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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