I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
